Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?