It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.