I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
it must be school picture day
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I needed a laugh this morning.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.