Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Was it something I said?
All generalizations are stupid.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy