6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.