7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now