ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
You Might Also Like
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
That’s incredible! 👌
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars