Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!