Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I think I’m having a stroke
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well