When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.