I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
This did not end as expected.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My sex drive has a dui
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.