[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.