I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
getting old is fun
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.