Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
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My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
he was correct
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.