If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Why font matters.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.