12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth