My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.