Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.