Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.