uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Life with a cat in one tweet
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.