I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
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Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward