ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
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waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Beware of the dog..
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed