If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.