britain’s three elite institutions
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
i love meeting boys on tinder
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time