Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
i wish we could shoplift online
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.