Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
three things we don’t talk about
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
How to make infinite energy.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.