Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
You Might Also Like
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Basically.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
three things we don’t talk about
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”