Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*pronounces fake like saké*
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Mission: Impossible
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name