Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I don’t know what to do
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude