put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.