Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I only treason on days ending in y
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”