Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”