The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I love art.
Sounds like a bargain
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.