*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”