I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”