Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.