priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
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Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
You know where I鈥檇 like to go?
Missing
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it鈥檚 someone in a group text鈥檚 birthday
I support this random dude and all his protests
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 馃槼
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
maybe if millennials didn鈥檛 buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana鈥檚 death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking