A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS