I can’t be the only one 😂
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday