I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit