Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something