I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
You Might Also Like
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet