I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
You Might Also Like
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?