I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.