Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.