Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”