her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
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After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…