just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
sir, my pâté if you please
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.