[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship