Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Nice try, NASA
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body